Naked At An Awards Ceremony
I’m naked at an awards ceremony
I’m hiding behind Jarvis Cocker and he’s eating canapés
I’ve got a laser pen
and I’m shining it on Salman Rushdie’s forehead like that
Missing Brian May’s hair by a fraction
Yeah, I’m naked, but nobody seems to mind
Record company execs tuck into their meat and two veg
I wince but carry on with a tall story about tapestry
The theme tune to ” Howard’s Way ”
Plays gleefully in the background
And everybody taps their feet
Meat Loaf wets himself he’s gotta leave
So I’m asked to fill his place in the show
I duet with a chauffeur
Who’s driving Whitney Houston or somebody like that
We sing ” Abide With Me ” at the top of our voices
To my surprise I get an erection
Not a full-on erection like Jeff Stryker
But a timid Aled Jones sort of affair
Anyway, my singing partner is appalled and leaves the stage
Through the medium of dance
I explain what Shirley Bassey’s back garden looks like
Brings the house down